TL;DR rambling about depression

It’s lil muffin’s parents’ wedding anniversary today so I’m here taking care of her while they go out of town to dinner and I don’t know if it’s being back in the house or what, but out of nowhere I had the worst breakdown in the middle of their kitchen. Like, dry-heaving sobbing with a side of uncontrollable shaking/hyperventilation. Thankfully no witnesses, the kid was watching tv. This entire week has been really difficult for me, it’s been the first truly cold week and it’s a sign that winter is around the corner and I have a bad history with Seasonal Affective Disorder. To the point where I feel like a completely different person from November to March. I’m working at 4:30 or 5am and go to bed at 8:30 or else I can’t function properly and after doing this for a month I can honestly say that it’s killing my happiness.

I rarely see my boyfriend, compared to how it used to be, because it’s just not worth it for me to drive to his house when he’s done work at 6, because I need to sleep like two hours after I get there. Or I just don’t go over at all because I don’t want to wake him at 4 in the morning. I feel isolated as fuck and I miss my old life so much. I hate myself for not trying to actively set up a better future for myself when I had the chance, when things were easy for me. Instead I have nooo idea where to go from here. Like, I know this is gay, but the only thing that’s going right for me, that I’m so grateful for, is my relationship. But I know he’s getting tired of listening to the same things over and over again and getting frustrated because he wants to make me feel better but can’t. Because I don’t even know how to make myself feel better. I’m lacking the ability to cope. I feel intensely out of control, lonely, and just a total mess of a person in general. I do not have my shit together. My shit is in a thousand pieces, on the bottom of a muddy fucking swamp.